“You wouldn’t tell anyone but yourself that it’s not okay to ask for help” [4/52]

I really don’t want to be writing this. But I made a promise to myself that I intend to keep. I’ll write something positive every week here.

I don’t have a lot to say right now though. Positivity turned to dust and blew away with the snow storm… but I’ll do my best.

The title this time was something my very dear friend said to me. She told me she was worried about me, she told me she’s observed my behavior, she told me I might have depression. I’m not going to get into the gory details about why she thinks that. It’s sad and embarrassing and no one wants to hear about it. However, it can’t be ignored. This has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life, and I’m fairly scared because of it.

Rather than me go on and on about what’s happening, I’d like instead to share another person’s particular blog post that really inspired me. I cried as I read it. I felt as though I was reading what was going on with me specifically. From living in the city, to break ups, all the way down to the small details this person talked about in terms of their depression.

So, if you really want to know what’s going on with me, read this: “A Letter to My Depression” by Haley Jakobson

Everything she talks about is a reflection of what I’m going through, minus the treatment. I don’t currently have any kind of plan for that, but I’m working on it.

Anyway. I kept myself busy this week, at least. But a basic rule of thumb to remember: keeping busy does not mean happiness. It is a mask.

I saw two very beautiful shows on broadway, began rehearsals with a very fun group of people, had an audition I felt very proud of, and went out with friends and really did have a great time.

Some things I wrote down to keep in mind:

– Always follow your own advice. It’ll come back and bite you in the ass if you don’t.
-Don’t be cryptic on the internet. Be honest and straightforward with people. Tell them how you feel. The longer you wait the less opportunity you’ll have.
DO NOT talk to anyone about your new diet or fitness routine unprovoked. You have no idea what they are going through.
There is a big difference between being cynical and being a badass. Choose wisely.
-It takes 21 days to make or break a habit…cigarettes, people, etc…
-If you want a tattoo but are unsure about it, wait a year. If you still want it, then get it. If not, make it into a wall piece.
-“Well done is better than well said” – Ben Franklin
-If you can, write down what you want to say when you’re about to have a serious conversation with someone. You’ll be able to say everything you need to, and you’ll be much kinder about it too.
-Breaks are always necessary. Even when it comes to art. If you work on it too long it won’t turn out the way you like.
-If you’re hurting or need new advice, think about what your hero would say to you: “what would LIn Manuel Miranda say right now…”
-“Break often. Not like porcelain, but like waves.”
-Listen to your friends when they’re worried about you. They’re probably right.
-When you’re unsure, sad, or lost, call someone you know that really believes in you. It helps. A lot.
-People are allowed to move on from you…and it hurts like hell. 

That’s about all I got. I have a lot of stuff I need to work on, as well as still try to survive in this beautiful, sleepless city. I’m hoping next week I’ll have better things to say.

This week’s goals:
-2 auditions
Get a second job
-Make a treatment plan

Oh! I’ve also decided to put a picture that was taken each respective week and feature it. This one is a happy roomie one.

One thought on ““You wouldn’t tell anyone but yourself that it’s not okay to ask for help” [4/52]

  1. Baby girl…
    Happily married, proud mom, depressed worse than ever before. I can’t promise better but I can promise to listen. You got my #. Day or night.
    Reaching out = last thing you’ll feel like doing. Also one of the hardest if you ever do it. But you know me. You know there will be no judging.
    Lots and lots of love my scared to death brave brave woman.
    Mama T


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